Author Archives: runnermom79

Beginning of Firsts

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Saturday our family had a wedding shower for my cousin. Typically, the girls of the family all go together, but we were one less today. Just a few of my thoughts about the day.

Today a day filled with happiness has a bit of sadness overshadowing.
Today is the beginning of the firsts where your beautiful eyes, friendly smile, loving heart, and busy hands won’t be here.
But I pull myself up, wipe the tears from my face, and head out the door to celebrate.
Why?
Because although my heart is aching with a void, you taught me many lessons and the two I need today are: 1. Family is important…spend as much time as possible with them. 2. Life is short…LIVE!

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40 before 40

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So this past Friday, I turned 35.  Age has never bothered me and each year I take some time on my birthday to reflect.  This year as I reflected in light of what my life is going through, I thought how important each day is and that I should make the most of each day because as the Bible states, “Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.” James 4:14.

With that thought in mind, I am stealing the idea from a friend and creating a 40 before 40 list.  This will be a list of 40 things I would like to accomplish before I turn 40.  To stay on track, I must complete at least 8 of these things each year.

Here is the list so far:

1. compete in a Disney race

2. learn to decorate cakes

3. create a family cookbook for Maddie

4. attend a painting class

5. sew a dress for Maddie

6. watch the sunrise on the beach

7. take a Disney tour 

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So I still need a few things to fill my list.  What are your suggestions?

A Reminder

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January 14th, my aunt had to Bayflighted to the hospital where her transplant team is located because her O2 level was not able to be sustained in a safe range.  As I shared the news with the many who have been praying, one of my friends shared the following video with me: http://faithtap.com/402/how-great-thou-art/#t/402/.

Looking over the past year and my precious aunt there have been many low points, but listening to this video reminded me of how much God has done for us.

God brought together a family who put aside things that in the long run didn’t matter so that we could be there to do whatever was necessary.

God gave her the strength to attend the dedication of my cousin’s baby girl.

God guided the surgeon’s hand to safely insert the trachea tube.

God has provided many safe trips to all of us as we travel back and forth.

God is great all the time and in complete control.

Thank you God for all you have done: blessing my life with a wonderful Godly aunt, giving me many wonderful memories of the time we have spent together, for her unconditional love and support, and for each and every day you give us.

God, How Great Thou Art!

PS My aunt loves her country music!

World Turned Upside Down

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One year ago at this time I was setting up camp with my family in the ICU waiting room of the Florida Hospital in Zephyrhills filled with two conflicting emotions-fear and joy.  The morning of January 9, 2013 my cousin and his wife gave birth to their first born…a baby girl named Ruth.  So happy for them and thrilled for my family to have a new little bundle to love and spoil.  I never imagined a few short hours later by lunchtime my world would be turned upside down and has yet to be righted.

While teaching I received a text that my aunt was at the hospital with pneumonia.  I told my mom, who at the time worked with me, so we could rearrange our schedules and she could go up after school.  Just 15 minutes later, I received another text that stated that they were putting my aunt on life support. I was in told shock.  My mind filled with so many thoughts…tell my mom, make sure she gets to Zephyrhills safely, get my daughter taken care of so I could go up after school, get a hold of my aunt who was in a meeting, and this CAN’T be happening…I NEED my aunt.

Days passed as she was in a coma with her lungs bleeding and filling with fluids.  I would work and go up and sit in her room holding her, talking to her and trying to be so strong. A few times we got some positive news but it quickly would vanish as more despairing news would come.

Then came the time I had to let my little  6-year-old girl know her Nana was “really sick” and may be going to live with God.  This was not a new concept to her as she dealt with the death of her Papa Richard, the man who took care of her since she was a year old, when she was in kindergarten.  She of course wanted to see her Nana.  I was unsure…do I take her to see Nana filled with tubes and wires…do I not so she can remember Nana camping, playing, swimming, loving her, etc.

Finally progress was made and the ventilator was able to be removed, she was moved to rehab, and even made it home.  She even was well enough to attend the baby dedication of Ruth.

Cile and Ruth

Although so thrilled that she was able to be there, a sense of peace never came to me that her illness was resolved and she would continue to improve until she was back to where she was previously.  I have never really been a glass half full girl.

My greatest fears came true this past summer when we received the news that there was no cure for what had happened for her lungs and her only chance for a bilateral lung transplant.

My heart broke. Yes her title maybe aunt, but to me she is another mother.  I was so blessed that while growing up she and her family lived only 15 minutes from us.  Our families did EVERYTHING together.  God had blessed her with a son but not a daughter so I got to fill that spot.  In fact back then and even now if we are together other often think we are mother and daughter because even though she came into my family by marriage we look sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much alike.

And then it broke again as I talked with my little girl letting her know that Nana needed a new pair of lungs but I know I had to…I believe in being honest.

As of now we are still waiting for a set a lungs, we have had one close chance…but that is for another post.

As a family we have been there to support each other and we all have are ups and downs as we travel this path…but one thing we all know for sure it is in God’s hand and we can rest in whatever he does as his perfect will.

I love you my precious aunt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why blog?

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So I haven’t blogged in awhile because I thought who really care about my crazy thoughts.  But while reading my friends blog ,http://www.leftleglost.com/2013/12/blog-as-catharsis.html, the other day I realized I blogged not for others but for myself.  Now don’t get me wrong…I love hearing my reader’s thoughts and opinions but this is the place where I can put my thoughts down and try to make sense of them. Yes, I could do like my teenage years and keep a diary but my perfectionism really puts a damper on that because it must be written perfectly-letters all formed the same, no smudges, etc. besides then I have to store those journals somewhere and I am the purging queen. 

So I have decided to go back to blogging. So feel free to read my crazy thoughts and ups and downs and I will look forward to hearing from you.

Perspective

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WormI took this picture a few weekends ago and although it seems strange it made me think of perspective. Some may look at the picture and think, WOW! Look at those tiny ants all working together.  While another may think, How horrible that while one is injured others take advantage. How vastly different those perspectives are.

This week while helping my daughter memorize her verse for Sunday School, Romans 12:18, If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

I promise, I think I can get all these thoughts to tie together, bare with me.

I have had a job since I was 15 years old. In all my years working, I have NEVER had a work year as horrible as last year.

There were lots of things that contributed to it be so bad.  And although I shared some of those things with those who I considered to be friends at work, I told no one everything that was taking place due to not being able to wrap my head around some of the things that were happening. Yes, I am mature enough to realize that no matter what was going on I am still responsible for my actions. Unfortunately I did allow it to alter some of my behaviors and I made some wrong choices with my friends. With the beginning of summer and putting some distance I saw the mistakes I made and apologized to what I considered to be 4 very, dear friends. I apologized for the things I knew I had done wrong and for anything that I was unaware that I had done.  I asked for their forgiveness and said if they wanted to talk they knew where to find me.  I thanked them for the friendship they had give and wished them and their families all the best.  From 3 of the 4 I get absolute silence and these are people that I was friends with for 11 years, 6 years and 5 years. From the 4 I get the occasional message usually after I have contacted them and attempt to be friendly but in a much different manner than we ever had. I am smart enough to know that their perspective of the situation maybe different (see I told you the crazy thoughts would all tie in).

The bottom line for me I guess is this question, “Do I continue to try and work on the friendships by sending text like: Hope things are going well.  Thinking of you.  Happy Holidays, etc.? Or do I let go, be thankful for the time we had and move on? And if I move on and am later contacted do I rekindle the friendship or just be cordial and continue about living. What are your thoughts/advice?

The Missing Student

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Buses

So I know often I see and think things differently. So while I was walking this morning I saw this and the empty slot made me think of the missing student.

That missing student comes in various forms and with a variety of reasons.

The most obvious missing student is the one who is absent. The reasons they are missing span an area wider than the Sahara Desert. Maybe they are home sick, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. It maybe that they lack the confidence to face the assignment in class. Or maybe this student lacks the skills to face the bully. Sometimes the student hides in fear at home unable to attend class until the bruises can be hidden and the tears can be dried up. Often one is absent because at a young age they have had to take on an adult world-due to an absent parent who has abandon the family and is busy working to make ends meet. And there is even the possibility that they are missing just because the value of education is not recognized by them or the ones who care for them.

But what about the student whose physical body is in the classroom but they are missing. Once again the reasons why are wide. It maybe that they are the quiet one overshadowed by the squeaky wheel who needs some oil. Or maybe the child who has already mastered the concept who must wait in silence for their classmates to understand. Frequently it is the child who is lost to what is being taught because although they are at a different learning level they are required to struggle through often to the point of frustration at their instructional grade level.  Sadly even sometimes maybe it is the student the teacher just can’t take anymore and no longer sees due to the frustration and stress the educational field has.

My prayer as a teacher is that the missing students in my classroom never go unseen and that I can meet them where they are with their needs.

Long Time No See

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Yes am still alive…a lot has happened that has interferred with running and blogging but determined to return to both because they are wonderful outlets for me. 

In January, I finally subcomed to have some surgery that was necessary which greatly set me back in my running. Instead of running, I began walking but didn’t see the physical results that running was bringing me.

So now that I am off for the summer I have decided to  go back to interval training. First goal – a mile in 15 minutes.

Rock bottom

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Rock bottom…can it get any lower? Why write this post now? I have put it off for the past month can’t I put it off longer? NO it is time to face reality! So drawing on the strength of a friend from middle school and fellow blogger, here. is goes…I weigh 205 lbs. Now you maybe thinking not such a big deal. But to me it has become the anchor around my neck, keeping me at the bottom of this rocky pit. A little over a year ago I weighed 228 lbs. I started jogging/walking everyday and diligently tracking everything that went into mouth and was ecstatic about the progress I made getting down to 182 lbs. Those around me are telling me not to be hard on myself given everything that has happened in my life the last 3 months but the reality is those are excuses and it is time I rise above. So the goal for the rest of April is at least a pound a week, at least 3 days of 30 minutes on the elliptical, and writing what I eat down. The anchor has been untied it is time to start making my way out of the pit. It maybe slow at first but I am hopeful the momentum will pick up.

Dance…While you can

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One of the things those of you that have been following me know is that I have been trying to work on living the moment to the fullest.  This is not something that comes easy to me as, I am a very detailed scheduler and often miss out on things because it isn’t on the agenda.

While out grocery shopping the other day, this book caught my eye. I took it off the shelf opened the front cover and read the first poem.

First I was dying to finish high school and start college.

 And then I was dying to finish college and start working.

 And then I was dying to marry and have children.

 And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could go back to my career.

 And then I was dying to retire.

 And now I am dying…

and suddenly realize that I forgot to live.

Author Unknown

So I splurged on myself and spent $13 on myself because this book combined something I needed and something I loved.

When I was a little girl one of my greatest desires was to be a ballerina, unfortunately when I was 3 years old I suffered a significant injury to my left leg and according to the doctor was not allowed to dance.  That is part of the reason I enjoy watching my daughter dance.

Daily Progress 2o minutes at a rate of 4mph.